the lonesome one in gotham city

Have you ever felt depressed? Like all the sun has been sucked out of you by the fact that you opened your eyes to wake up to the same feeling of "oh, great, the same thing as yesterday. how can i hide it today?" yeah. I have too. I am right now. I have so much to be thankful for, to be happy about, I have people in my life I could never lose, but still..I feel so alone. Perhaps it sounds like a pity party..I dunno. So I am just going to lay it all right here and see if the feeling is mutual somewhere out there: I hurt. In every sense of the word. I feel like I have to put on a fake smile every day just to utter the word 'hi' in the morning. I feel like crying at all times of day, and I feel completely anti-social. All I want to do Is talk to my guy, and my two best friends. That is it. They are the only ones right now that don't fill me with a sense of panic or hoplessness as of late. A human can only take so much, and there is a lot I have not had to deal with like I know some people do. To some, my life is cake. To others, it's not as easy being me. Being the bubbly girl everyone kind of circles around back when i had my ring of people. Now I am 3000 miles from my lfe by my own choice, and I regret it in many ways every day. Perhaps the line 'Regret Nothing' has some truth to it..but it is not going how i thought it would. yes i can be the one to change it, but how? I would not know the first thing i could do. It may seem trivial, but being rejected for jobs definately takes a hit to the confidence a bit. It has me wondering whats so wrong with me that I cant be hired? I need a job in order to go back to making something of my life, something i should have never left. But that is thrown in my face as well by the people I truly dont want to hear it from: my parents. Parents wont always agree with your choices, but making you feel guilty for wanting to lead the life you want at 20 years old really is not cool. I feel as though I am the lonesome one in Gotham City. You know? The one standing on the sidewalk while everyone rushes by in cars or under umbrellas to get home, not noticing the girl standing right in front of you, trying to give a sign that something is wrong. Nothing. I truly dont know where to go from here.. Every direction i take only seems to bring me right back to where I dont need to be. 'Move forward" they tell me. How? How does one go about moving forward? When by going forward can ruin bridges along the way? I cannot please everyone..yet that is exactly what i try to do.I must get out of that habit.

My twin brother suffers from depression too. He jumps on the trampoline for hours, as though to bounce his depression away. Me, I sit. And think. And try to stay as far away from the rest of my family as i can. Yet that causes way more harm than good as I have found out. I just dont know what to do. What can really make me happy in life? That is the question. That is the answer I have to seek out. Depression hurts.

Ever Notice

Lets Sail Away

I have come up with a plan. A plan to write again. It has been a while, and I have too many thoughts pushing each other for some breathing room, so I will give them their moment to shine in black and white. Times New Roman print. Well, It will be hand written first, then put to the digitalized world that most novels end up in eventually. My Darling loves to tell me stories when  I have a bad day or need a pick me up, and they are just too adorable. So, I believe I may turn them into a book. A Book of Fairy Tales of the Modern Day Romantic, or Just Stories from my Prince in a Grey T-Shirt :) See? Sounds like a promising title, huh? Well, it will be completely worth it once its done. :) So I have my creative juices pumping, alas, I must go write. Goodbye my dear reader :)

Starting A New Chapter

O.K. guys! I am starting a new chapter in my book called Life :) I haven't quite finished the other one, just dog-eared it for a while. I am now promised to the most amazing man in the world, I am moving to Washington State in..lets see..11 days *jeeze* and am full of hope that I will find a job quickly and get started at Everest in the Fall! I plan on going for Dental Assisting and after that possibly go back to school to be a Dental Hygenist or to be a teacher. But as I thought, I came to this conclusion: We are all teachers. To some form or fashion. Even if its the simplist thing to us, we may be making an impact on someone else! Cool huh? :) Life is pretty hectic right now, but it will all work out in the end! :D Went and saw Pirates of the Caribbean 4 yesterday with Jacob and liked it..it was missing some of  the attention grabbers for me, but it was a good story line! I love me some Johnny Depp, but don't tell Jacob that hahaha ;) Yes, everything will be just fine. Just gott ahave faith, trust, and a tiny bit of pixie dust