the lonesome one in gotham city

Have you ever felt depressed? Like all the sun has been sucked out of you by the fact that you opened your eyes to wake up to the same feeling of "oh, great, the same thing as yesterday. how can i hide it today?" yeah. I have too. I am right now. I have so much to be thankful for, to be happy about, I have people in my life I could never lose, but still..I feel so alone. Perhaps it sounds like a pity party..I dunno. So I am just going to lay it all right here and see if the feeling is mutual somewhere out there: I hurt. In every sense of the word. I feel like I have to put on a fake smile every day just to utter the word 'hi' in the morning. I feel like crying at all times of day, and I feel completely anti-social. All I want to do Is talk to my guy, and my two best friends. That is it. They are the only ones right now that don't fill me with a sense of panic or hoplessness as of late. A human can only take so much, and there is a lot I have not had to deal with like I know some people do. To some, my life is cake. To others, it's not as easy being me. Being the bubbly girl everyone kind of circles around back when i had my ring of people. Now I am 3000 miles from my lfe by my own choice, and I regret it in many ways every day. Perhaps the line 'Regret Nothing' has some truth to it..but it is not going how i thought it would. yes i can be the one to change it, but how? I would not know the first thing i could do. It may seem trivial, but being rejected for jobs definately takes a hit to the confidence a bit. It has me wondering whats so wrong with me that I cant be hired? I need a job in order to go back to making something of my life, something i should have never left. But that is thrown in my face as well by the people I truly dont want to hear it from: my parents. Parents wont always agree with your choices, but making you feel guilty for wanting to lead the life you want at 20 years old really is not cool. I feel as though I am the lonesome one in Gotham City. You know? The one standing on the sidewalk while everyone rushes by in cars or under umbrellas to get home, not noticing the girl standing right in front of you, trying to give a sign that something is wrong. Nothing. I truly dont know where to go from here.. Every direction i take only seems to bring me right back to where I dont need to be. 'Move forward" they tell me. How? How does one go about moving forward? When by going forward can ruin bridges along the way? I cannot please everyone..yet that is exactly what i try to do.I must get out of that habit.

My twin brother suffers from depression too. He jumps on the trampoline for hours, as though to bounce his depression away. Me, I sit. And think. And try to stay as far away from the rest of my family as i can. Yet that causes way more harm than good as I have found out. I just dont know what to do. What can really make me happy in life? That is the question. That is the answer I have to seek out. Depression hurts.

Ever Notice